I can happily live without ever drinking kale again

Juice done. Tea before bed, then tomorrow starts W30.

I will not do this again. I don't know that I'd recommend this to anyone. I feel like I'm so bloated from all the salt that I haven't lost any weight. Maybe that will balance out in the next few days. I did get the break from the everyday food chores that I wanted, and that was good.

I never felt horribly hungry. I felt thirsty all the time. My energy was fine and normal. I was very active the past 3 days. I had trouble sleeping. I had horrible stomach problems, especially after the beet juice. I never thought I had that much inside of me. It was gross.

I'm going to try to plan menus in advance and write daily through August. Tomorrow's plan:

Apple and almond butter, coffee (decaf - I don't drink caffeine)
Trainer workout + bike ride to/from
Spinach frittata
Fruit
Salmon, sweet potato, roast cauliflower

Breakfast of champions

Day 3. Trying to mix it up and work on a few at once. The glass is very diluted blueberry that I'll sip thru the day. I need to finish at least 3.5 before I go out to my appointment.

I weighed myself at the gym this morning. Maybe a pound. I'm probably so sodium bloated that I'm not going to drop any weight. Awesome.

Paleo Recipes Part 2: Recipes for my next Whole30

Perhaps browsing the internet for recipes mid-way through a 3-day juice cleanse isn't the smartest idea, but I'm trying to prepare for when I start eating again, so I can do a big shop and cook and stock the fridge and freezer and keep avoiding having to think about what I'm going to eat (best part of the juice insanity!).

My plan is to gradually transition back to real food, starting with veggies, fish and eggs, then adding back poultry, then pork, then red meat.

I'm also looking for new ideas, as most of the recipes on my previous paleo resources post have become staples.

Here's what I've found so far that looks good (I'll edit and add notes when I try each):

Veggies
Diner-style Home Fries
Spiced Ethiopian Vegetable Stew
Chez Panisse Braised Red Cabbage
Grated Beet Salad (8.10.15 this was good - I left out the sugar and it tasted very sweet to me)

Eggs
Tunisian Style Baked Cauliflower Frittata (leave out the cheese for W30)

Fish
Oven Fried Salmon Cakes (I'm on a mission to find salmon cakes that I like) (8.2.15 - didn't love these, kind of dense. I used the Indian variation. I think I just don't like salmon cakes)
Romesco Garlic Shrimp with Zucchini Noodles (8.7.15 - this was really good)
Roasted Mahi Mahi with Olives, Capers and Lemon
Baked Trout with Mushrooms (I'll probably make this on the grill) (8.5.15 - solid, pretty easy basic)

Poultry
Paleo Gado Gado
Tropical Tacos with Jicama Slaw
Asian Turkey Meatballs (I made these while not W30, but left out the sugar and breadcrumbs etc. anyway, while W30 will try with a carrot and cabbage slaw instead of carrot rice) (8.3.15 - made these for myself and added carrots and ginger into the meatballs and they were really good. Made them following the recipe for a non-paleo friend and they loved them)
Zesty Chicken Bites
Slow Cooker Chicken, Sweet Potato and Kale Stew
Green Goddess Roast Chicken (I'll try using coconut milk)
Sweet Potato Buffalo Chicken Casserole
Spiced Turkey Tagine (8.9.15 - this is a keeper. I might throw in some greens when I eat the leftovers)
Peri Peri Chicken Kebabs
Crispy Oven Baked Sesame Chicken Wings

Pork
Lemon Ginger Meatballs
Spicy Sausage and Sweet Potato Soup
Carnitas (8.10.15 - good. Not exceptional, but easy and you can do a ton with the cooked meat, so I'll make this or some variation of it again)

Beef/lamb/goat
Cumin Lamb Stir Fry
Barbacoa (9.26.15 - this was SO good - I made it in the pressure cooker and used lamb shanks and bone-in chuck roast then just shredded them together)

Juice day 2

Oh the salt. I feel like I'm going to float away from all the liquids I'm drinking in addition to the juice because I'm so thirsty from all the salt in the juice.

I feel fine. My energy is good - normal. I went running and went for a few big walks today. I only have occasional waves of hunger. And I haven't finished today's juice - I have about a half of one left that I can't finish, and it's one of my favorites. I just can't deal with more salt and sweet. My stomach wasn't nearly as bad today as it was yesterday, but still not normal.

I switched up the recommended order today, and started drinking earlier. I had an early call, so I had one right away, then my call, then worked out. I had my least favorite first, and got both the green ones out of the way in the morning. I iced the tomato water and added a little cayenne, which was tasty, and diluted the blueberry, which is what I'm not going to finish.

I keep comparing this to the 50k. The first day (lap) was about seeing what it's like, the second was about making adjustments to figure out how to make it better, and the third is the end, so you just get through it.

I have to be out of the house for a few hours tomorrow so I'm not quite sure how to fit in all the drinking! I have a massage scheduled and I'd really like to avoid any emergency bathroom trips while I'm on the table. I'll try to finish 3 or 4 before I go out.

I'm still enjoying the break from food. I am thinking about food and planning what I'm going to do next, but I still feel like I'm getting away from the routine.

This is making me aware of when I'm really hungry and when I'm just bored. I keep waiting for the crash. This was a safe time to try this, and if I crash, it's ok. I'm just interested to see what this does to me, and how I feel after, and if it changes how I eat for the next few weeks.

How do you make starting W30 seem easy?

By doing a 3-day juice cleanse. I know detoxing is a myth, but I'm doing this as a mental detox more than a physical detox. I need a break from the habits I slipped back to, and honestly, a break from thinking about food and shopping and cooking and cleaning and making choices.

Today is day 1. I weighed myself at the gym before a good workout then picked up my boxes from Owen + Alchemy.

Here's what my day looks like:

I also got two kinds of tea - an energizing one and a calming one. The suggested order is: 

06 kale, coconut water, parsley, romaine, ginger 

21 blueberry, basil, lime 

42 heirloom tomato, organic himalayan sea salt 

02 kale, romaine, napa cabbage, parsley, celery, cucumber, sea salt 

36 beet, carrot, ginger, sea salt

54 hazelnut, cacao, cinnamon, vanilla bean, raw local honey

All the juices are tasty. They're just really salty. Tomorrow I'll probably mix at least the blueberry one with water, and drink a lot more water with each juice. I feel like I'm drinking all the time. I only eat two or three times a day normally, and it takes longer to drink one of these than to eat some of the meals I eat. Tomorrow I may have more 'meals' than just having a juice every 2 hours (have more than one at a time). I've had a steady low hunger - but really not too bad. I'm not rushing to my next juice. Except for the last one. That one is delicious. 

My stomach isn't terribly happy after a day of juice. I looked at the nutrition panels of the juice, and it's really not an insane amount of sugar, which I thought might be causing the distress. Right over the daily recommendation of sodium. Low on everything else. No surprise. 

Mentally I'm enjoying the break from food reality. I think this weekend I'll do some W30 prep so that I have a few days where I can continue not making choices. 

Going deep

I’ve been reading a lot of articles recently about fit overweight runners and happy fat brides and loving yourself the way you are and taking pride in your achievements rather than obsessing over society’s expectations. And I think they’re great, and I feel proud and empowered and excited to be living in a time when norms may be shifting.

And then I look at my thighs and remember how they looked a few years ago when I was running ultramarathons. And I look at myself in the mirror at yoga and imagine photoshopping what I see. And I plan for my next (6^th? Something insane like that) Whole30 because I cannot stay in a good place.

I’m trying to peel back the layers of what good means to me to try to figure out why this is so freaking hard.

I have food issues. I know this. I grew up in a kosher home where there were a lot of rules around food, what you could eat, when you could eat it… Foods that everyone else ate were bad. I wasn’t allowed to eat a Twinkie. I had to bring my lunch to school and eat different snacks from everyone else. Food was entwined with values. We didn’t go out to eat as a family, but would go out with my mom when my dad had a meeting. We ate vegetarian, nothing overtly unkosher, but didn’t adhere to the strict interpretations we followed in the house. I was pudgy. Not obese, but solid. I went to Weight Watchers with my mom. Exercise was not important to my family. I played sports in high school just to have something to put on my college applications.

When I went to college I abandoned any pretense of keeping kosher. My college food memories start with  McNuggets and containers of mayonnaisey seafood salad from the to-go cafeteria then move into lots and lots of noodles and cereal and frozen yogurt. As I became my own adult, I went through vegetarian phases. I went through vegan phases. I made up my own diets. My favorite was the bagel and egg sandwich for breakfast, baked potato with salsa and cottage cheese for lunch, rice, broccoli and peanut sauce for dinner followed by frozen yogurt diet. I did that for a long time. Food was never just food. It was good or bad. And I never really thought about how it made me feel.

I dabbled in exercise through college because it was what everyone else was doing. I got more serious about it when I realized I was unhappy and needed to make changes in my life and signed up for an Outward Bound trip. This seemed to be the most extreme step this city couch potato could take to break out of her late-twenties rut. I started running so I wouldn’t die in the desert. I liked running. I liked the look of shock people had when I said I was running. You? Running?

I ate more to fuel the running. I didn’t think about how what I ate made me feel.

I met a guy. We had our brunch places. We had our lunch places. We liked beer. We liked each other. We liked going out for fancy dinners. We liked eating our way around the globe. He had his own food issues. We occasionally helped each other get better. We loved each other however we looked. We did Weight Watchers. I got a little crazy on Weight Watchers. We went paleo. We took breaks from paleo. We did Whole30s. We drank a lot of beer. We ran together. We rode hundreds of miles on our bikes together. We each had our own food shit. I’d often run to the bathroom mid-fancy meal because all the rich food made me sick. It just happened and we’d joke about it. I never thought that maybe my body was trying to tell me something. I took a lot of pills to help me sleep and breathe and get through cramps. I practically rattled.

Five years ago a speaker came to my office to talk about the link between food and health. I had every ailment she mentioned as being tied to nutrition. I listened. I got the book she referenced. I started paying attention to how I felt and how what I ate impacted how I felt. What I’ve learned is that I can control almost everything that is physically wrong with me by eating the right foods. My husband does not have as tight a relationship between his well being and his diet. But I do. I could control many of the problems with sleeping pills and anti-inflammatories and allergy medications, or I could just stop eating the crap that causes the problems. I know exactly what the causes and effects are. I can go happily for months without eating the things that make me feel shitty, then one day I’ll have a moment of anger that I can’t be normal. I go right back to being that kid who’s upset that she can’t eat what everyone else is eating. And I’ll eat a cookie. And I’ll cough from the sugar. And then I’ll “try” eating a few other things over the next few days to see if I still have problems with them because I’ve already gone off plan so why not. And I still have problems with them, but I’ll keep pushing the boundaries. And a few weeks will pass. And I’ll realize that I’m not sleeping. And that I have a low-grade headache all the time. And that the big zit on my chin is back. And that I’m sore after an easy workout. I get upset that I’ve done this to myself again. I just want to be a normal kid. I’ve been through this cycle at least five times in the last few years.

So I set a timetable to do a reset, and spend the days until it starts saying goodbye to all the things I shouldn’t eat, while wishing I could start right now (there’s always some event in the way). Sure I could start now, take a break for the event, and make things better. But I don’t.

I know I feel better when I don’t eat dairy, sugar and bready stuff or drink. I know this. It’s night and day. I also know I look better. I drop 10 of the extra 15 pounds that haunt me. My body changes quickly. Both when I regain and lose control. It seems obvious. Don’t eat the stuff that makes you feel bad. But that means being THAT person when I eat anywhere but my kitchen. It impacts my social life. It impacts work. It impacts everything. But so does feeling like crap. When I was on crutches I didn’t hesitate to rearrange plans around my needs. Why should this be different? It’s something I need to do for my health. It shouldn’t be optional. I need to learn this.

I’m finding that I care less about being a certain weight or size than I used to. Most of the time. I care about feeling good and being able to do the things I want to do. And I want to be active. I want to run. I want to take care of my body. I want to go for long walks. I want to sleep well and wake up feeling bright. I want energy. I want to notice the lack of aches and pains. I’m lucky that I truly enjoy exercise. I love going to the gym. I LOVE working out with a trainer. I love seeing what my body can do and pushing myself. I love muscles. I love my muscles.

I’m thinking about how to make this time different. How to dig into some of these issues and find solutions that stick. I’m going to do an August W30, so I have a few days until then to not go nuts, start making better choices and perhaps do some experimentation. Stay tuned.

Graduated and graduated

Yesterday was my last foot doctor appointment for this saga. I'll continue yearly check-ins just to make sure everything is ok. He said I should limit to 5 miles in 2015. That's fine. Two weeks ago I finished the return to running program and finished PT. I got up to 3 miles and felt great, and I'll work on getting my speed back and add a few more miles. 

I went for one short run/walk outside, which felt good, but then spent a long long day (grad school graduation) on my feet in silly shoes, and was sore for days after that. Then I got a killer sinus infection and haven't had the energy to do more than walk around the block for over a week.

I broke my bread and dessert ban, and keep testing those boundaries - mostly because I'm sick and I just want to eat what sounds good. I haven't really had any bad effects. But I'm still going to generally avoid under normal circumstances.

I'm in a light period at work and really want to be focusing on fitness. I need to spend time on the spin bike preparing for a big upcoming ride, and want to do more weights, but this sick is kicking my butt. I've slept more in the past week than I can remember. I'm on day 3 of antibiotics and slowly improving but this is ridiculous.