Day 10 - ready for another W30

It's the end of Thanksgiving weekend. I've been eating biscuits and pie and drinking. I feel gross. I have not been eating biscuits and pie like I used to however. I've noticed a lot of changes since my months of W30 this year. I have left pie unfinished on my plate. I have not touched the pie or biscuits outside of mealtime (I used to do a lot of early morning edge straightening). Most interesting to me is that I am completely not interested in dairy products since this last W30/70-2. I am not at all tempted by cheese or ice cream. I have a few events this next week that make a complete return to W30 impractical, but the pie and biscuit and drinking events are for the most part done. Although I do finish grad school tomorrow and there will be a celebratory drink involved in that! I think that's a valid excuse.

I just read all my posts from the previous foot surgery on an old (private) blog. I was a mess. I know it's only been 10 days, but I'm in a totally different place. I'm getting out and doing things. I went grocery shopping on my own before Thanksgiving (at small stores, but still, on my own). I've been doing :40 of stretching and pilates/weights every other day. Yesterday we went to the Botanic Gardens and I did a lot of crutching (and a lot of being pushed in a wheel chair). I'm trying really hard to keep my life as normal as possible and just go do stuff even if its hard. I'm sore, my foot is still swollen and is itchy and tight, but my head feels pretty ok. I see the doctor again on Tuesday and may get a cast then, or may spend a week bandaged in a boot if I'm not ready for the cast yet. Either way I should be out of the splint and get cleaned up a bit.

Day 4 on the upswing

Friday was one of the worst days I can remember. I was in so much pain. I mostly just curled in a ball and cried. I broke down and texted the doctor at night and he told me I could take Aleve in addition to the pain meds to take down the swelling, and that helped. I slept most of the night, and felt much better by morning. Yesterday I was exhausted and dopey. I started dialing back the pain meds last night, woke up at about 4 this morning not in excruciating pain and took that as a sign I could switch to tylenol from the pain meds. So far so good. I need my brain back!

I did about 10 minutes of stretching and sit ups and leg lifts this morning to start balancing out the past 3 days of lying on the couch. I'll build that up every few days. I need to keep moving this time.

I've done a little self-pity snacking, but not too much. I've strayed a bit from W30, but that's what real life needs to be.

Tomorrow I go for my post-op appointment, and have to get back to work. I don't have a terribly busy week, but I need to make progress on a few projects.

I thought I had a high pain threshhold

But I'm at my limit. Surgery was yesterday, actually last night. I had to get to the hospital at noon, couldn't eat after midnight, and waited around, stomach growling until 4:30 when I finally went into the OR. I woke up around 8 had some water and one saltine in recovery, got home after 9 and just ate a larabar. I just took a few short naps last night. The pain wasn't bad then but it's been getting worse all day. It feels like someone is slicing my foot with a burning hot blade. It's throbbing and pulsing and just really hurts. At least I have a different painkiller this time which I seem to be tolerating better. I haven't slept all day, and I'm not terribly nauseous. I looked at my journal from last time, and the day after surgery was awful then, and I felt better the next day, so hopefully it will be the same this time.

What won't be the same is that I'm going to be in a real cast for a month, and I'm in a knee-high splint now. I just want to get through today without ripping off my entire foot.

Here we go again

I got into the doctor yesterday. One of the staples from the previous surgery came loose, and the fusion isn't stable anymore. So basically I'm back where I was 4 years ago and have to have surgery again. And I have a very valid reason why I couldn't finish the marathon. I have a staple popping out and pushing on nerves - which really hurts. And a bone sliding out of place.

Surgery is next Thursday.

I'm trying really hard to be positive and to find ways to make it easier this time. I've put together a list of exercises I can do. I'm figuring out what I need to move around the house to make working here easier. And I'm scrambling to move work and personal appointments. Best case scenario is walking very early in the new year. And hopefully avoiding the worst of winter.

I had to cancel my shoulder appointment. I can't do anything about it until my foot is better. I haven't tried using crutches yet, I'm not sure how that's going to feel. Could be really bad. I can't decide if it's better or worse to know what I'm walking (or not walking as the case may be) into.

Recalibrating

I had a good night's sleep last night and slept off the crying hangover. Now I just feel empty. Between ending W30 and having all my great running plans up in the air I feel rudderless. I can't get into see the foot doctor for a week - maybe a cancellation will open up. It hurts when I walk. It aches when I'm not walking. I did not go to the gym today. I may go swim tomorrow. Or try the elliptical or bike. I usually go to yoga on Tuesday's but I don't know that I should do that. Maybe I can just modify. I could use the stretching (mental and physical). 

I did not go off the rails and self medicate with sugar. I did have two beers and some ribs which probably had sugar in the rub. They were good, and the beers took the edge off my mental and physical pain. I had a normal breakfast today. We're going to a beer dinner at a restaurant with amazing deserts tonight. My plan is to just have small tastes of whatever looks good and to just practice moderation. I don't want to feel any shittier than I already do. 

I'm having visions of juggling shoulder and foot surgery - figuring out how to time things so I can be on crutches if I need to. Maybe the foot isn't that messed up. Maybe it's just a stress fracture which will take a few weeks in a boot. Or maybe it's nothing. I really don't want months of PT. I feel like I know what they're going to have me do since it's not my first go round at either of these things. Again, I know I've written about this before here or on some long lost blog or journal, but I get so frustrated that I so badly want to be out doing these active things, and my body just won't let me, yet there are so many injury free people who just sit on their asses. Not fair. I've worked so hard this year to get back to this level of weight and fitness and I don't want to throw it away. That means I need to stick with what works for me re: food, figure out how to incorporate some treats, and figure out how to exercise with whatever limitations I'm dealing with now (pilates, swimming, spinning...). 

So frustrating. 

DNF

I'm devastated. I should be just about done with the race now, instead I'm home, showered and hiding under the covers wallowing in self pity and worrying about a very sore foot.

Everything started well enough - didn't sleep much, got up, ate, hit the road, found a decent parking spot, short line at the porta potty, found my pace group and hit the road. First 7 miles were good. Cold but good. Then my foot started aching. My foot where I had calcaneocubiod fusion surgery 4 years ago. Right where the fusion was. I walked a bit. Gave myself a pep talk, ate a date, and started running. Foot really hurt. I realized that I probably couldn't run another 18 miles. Had a big ugly sobbing meltdown. Collected myself, decided that I didn't care about the clock and I just wanted to finish, and wouldn't it be funny to look back at the mile 8-9 meltdown from the finish line and laugh about how dramatic I'd been. With visions of a 6 hour finish in my head I started running again. For a minute. Then realized something was really wrong. Did a few more run/walk attempts. Which hurt. I realized I was done, called home, had another sobbing meltdown, shoved a few well-meaning spectators and fellow runners away as they tried to encourage me with "you can do it, you're almost there!", checked my phone to see if there was a more direct way back to the start/finish, saw there was not and slowly and painfully walked the 3+ miles back to my car.

At some point near the end I pulled off my race number and timing chip just so people would stop telling me how great I looked and that I was almost done (which is an annoyance on a course with a full and half - had I not quit, I would've still had 13 miles to go).

I'm really sad, disappointed, upset and mostly afraid that something is really wrong with my foot. It's swollen and throbbing. Maybe just a stress fracture, maybe something slipped? I'll call the doctor tomorrow and start the insanity anew.

I am still ending W30/70-2/whatever today. With a beer. And taking a few days off from worrying about food and exercise. Considering my whole left side is messed up right now, there's not much I can do (shoulder is bothering me, have an appt. next week to get that looked at). I'll eat what I want that looks really good, and stay mostly with the whole, good foods I've been eating.

I'm sad about all the things I missed because I was training (including a friend's 40th birthday party last night and a concert with my husband Friday night), but proud of myself for trying and making so much progress. Even if I didn't make it all the way. I'm really scared that this is the end of distance running for me. I really thought I was done with all this.

Let's do this

11 hours from now I'll be running a marathon. I feel like it's my first time. I started to type "it's been over 5 years since I've done anything like this" then I remembered feeling this same excitement/anxiety before the two centuries I rode 3 and 4 years ago. So it's really only been 3 years since I've done anything like this. And I've done endurance events (marathons, ultras, centuries) 10 times before. And lived through all of them. And enjoyed them all. So here I go again. Full of nerves. Dreading starting and wishing I was already running at the same time.

I know that I didn't train as well as I should've. Part laziness, part injury prevention. Whenever I felt injuries starting to flare up I dialed back my training. I did all my long runs, but didn't do nearly enough mid-distance runs. Since I spent 2 of those 5 years not running at all due to serious injuries, and have had ankle, knee and hip problems I thought it was the best plan.

I've also been eating Whole 30 for all but 2 days of the past 10 weeks. Figuring out how to fuel the long runs has been a continual experiment. Since it's supposed to be cold tomorrow I'm not so worried about fluids, and I'm not going to run with coconut water. I'll carry fruit chews and dates. And I'll get up early enough to eat before I hit the road for the hour drive to the suburbs and have a bar if I need to before I start. I have a bag of food packed to bring to eat on the drive home.

I'm going to run with the 5 hour (11:27) pace group. That feels slow when I run that pace on the treadmill, but I want to take it easy and hopefully run the whole time. I've never taken that approach to a race before. I'm usually more of the blindly-optimistic, I've run faster shorter distances so I'm going to go out at my best pace and burn myself out and suffer at the end kind of runner. Maybe this is the new mature me. This is my first marathon in the over 40 bracket. Maybe old me is smarter than younger me.

I anticipate being a mess at the start and finish lines. I'm a pretty unemotional person. Two things make me cry. Dogs, and people doing endurance events against the odds. And I think of myself in that second group. Fat kid who never did anything athletic, now with a reconstructed ankle who never thought she'd be able to do another marathon.

Lets do this.

Taper + travel + update

Today is Day 30 of my second almost consecutive W30. I started Sept. 1, took two days off after 33 days, and then started again, and I'm going through Nov. 9 after I cross the marathon finish line. I'll probably have a beer (or two) that night. And ease up a bit on the sugar patrolling. And maybe have the occasional food I haven't had in months. I'm writing this from a hotel room on a business trip. Which I did not prepare well for. I've eaten a ridiculous quantity of nut mix today, which is beyond the in-case-of-emergency sanctioned by W30. I've had a long day and I didn't have lunch. I do not feel my best. I have a cooler with breakfasts, but I didn't bring lunch and didn't have time to get anything today.

I did my first of the month progress pictures. I'm two weeks into taper here, which means I haven't been exercising as much as I usually do. Which I think has slowed progress. I know there are a few W30 foods that I'm eating more of than I should (potato, fruit), and the next time (January), I'll fix that. Even with those disclaimers (excuses?) I still see progress.