I sweat.

There's a store in my neighborhood that has this shirt hanging in the window (actually twice, once on a poster and once on a mannequin)

It makes me so angry. Why tell girls that they shouldn't sweat? Inspired by my anger I took this photo this morning.

I love it for so many reasons:

1. I just finished my second boxing class. The first time I took the all-women class. Today I was the only woman in a class full of guys and I kept up, and kicked their collective asses on the ab exercises.
2. The hand wraps. I had limited all ugly choices, and I went with the zebra in honor of the zebra-striped crutch pads someone gave me years ago that have seen me through far too many months of post-surgeries crutching. I kind of hate all animal prints, but I feel like having zebra with me while I'm busting my ass in boxing class makes up for the months of zebra when I couldn't walk.
3. Shoulders. I used to hate my boxy shoulders. I've been lifting a lot lately and now I love them.
4. Lola on my phone case.
5. This is not sparkle. This is sweat. All the way down my shirt. I do not sparkle. I sweat. And I earn every drop.

I shuffle again

16 years ago I was a chubby, unhappy couch potato who decided to try running. I ran my first race, the Shamrock Shuffle in 1999. It was hard. I was slow. But I kept running, and each mile moved me along a new path. I learned I could do things no one (including me) thought I could do. I changed my body, I changed my health, I changed my world.

In those 16 years I've run 6 marathons, 2 ultra marathons, countless half marathons, 10, 8 and 5Ks. I've cycled thousands of miles. I've spent nearly a year on crutches spread across 5 years of multiple foot surgeries. In my life I've learned to walk 4 times and learned to run 4 times.

Today I ran the Shamrock Shuffle again, as the first race since my (hopefully) last surgery. I was faster than I was 16 years ago, and much slower than I was 10 years ago. I felt strong. I ran the whole way. I felt good at the finish line. My foot feels fine (so far).

Shuffle on.

This is how my life is going to be

I visited the real world for the last week. I didn't like it. I didn't go crazy, but I did eat chocolate, cheese and beer, and realized that I really really shouldn't. I proved that beer is not ok. I had a beer Sunday, before I stopped eating W30, and I got a terrible headache. I confirmed that as Gretchen Rubin writes about in Better than Before, I'm a finisher. I bought two chocolate bars, and had to finish them. I can't just have a square a day. If it's there, I eat it. If it's not there, I don't even think about it.

I had a headache all week. I'm achy. I feel bloated. I'm not sleeping well. It's just not worth it. So I'm going back to what I know works. Not just for 30 days. But for real. I'll take a meal off now and then when there's a good reason, but I will not take off a day, or a week.

I want to feel as good as I felt last week all the time. I want to drop a few more pounds. Normal just doesn't work for me.

Planning my dismount

It's day 49 of 50, and I'm trying to figure out how to make this end different than the others. I feel great. I've only had a moments of even thinking about going back to normal. I'd be ok continuing indefinitely, but I know that would just put pressure on my to keep going just to prove I can, and would make me even more afraid of the real world. So I'm going to stop on Monday. And I need a plan to avoid going through the cycle I've been through so many times.

I'm not where I want to be yet in terms of weight/fitness. I don't want to feel as shitty as I do when I don't pay attention to what I eat. I seem to react to so many things, and in order to feel my best I have to really eat carefully. I also want to be able to be a part of the regular world. Sometimes.

Here's what I know:

• I'm not good at moderation. I don't do well when I can have "a little" of something. A little snowballs into a few portions snowballs into the whole bag.
• I'm fine saying "I'm just not having that at all". I can step away from pretty much anything if I have a good reason.
• Even a little caffeine impacts my sleep. As does playing games on my phone. 
• Carby/bready/glutinous things give me a headache. And impact my weight.
• Sugar gives me asthma. It makes me cough right when I eat it, and then makes me wheeze later. But if I eat it regularly this becomes less tied to when I eat it, and more chronic.
• Dairy hits my stomach and skin.
• Something in that list (or everything in that list) causes general aches (inflammation), making me sore all the time, and increasing post-workout pain. 
• I don't know that drinking does anything specific, other than lead to bad decisions usually involving eating something that does have consequences. 

I need to learn how to have a normal meal, or a drink sometimes without feeling like "I'm already eating crap, I might as well just have whatever I want". I need to redefine "what I want". I need to want the things that make me feel good. I've tested the boundaries so many times, I know exactly what everything I eat does to me. I don't need to keep testing. 

I'm going to have a delicious birthday dinner for my husband on Monday. I will eat a few things that I've been craving, if I decide that they're worth the price. And then I will be thoughtful. I will try to stop and think before just frantically shoving things in my face because I can. I'm a grownup. I can eat whatever the hell I want. I also have a really good understanding of what makes me feel good and what makes me feel shitty. So I should be able to make smart choices. 

W50 update and recipes part 3

It's day 37 and I'm feeling good. I've slimmed down a bit, but have been eating more nuts than I should. I'm trying to curb that for the last 2 weeks. I also had an off week in the gym last week do to a curling (yes, curling) injury. Long story, maybe I'll write about it another time. I've been sleeping well on and off, but better than when I'm eating normally. My skin looks great - I got a facial today and got a good report card. Muscle soreness is better than normal. Energy is good. I had a few days where I was feeling resentful about cooking all the time and endless amounts of small containers, but I got past that. I'm not in any hurry to stop, but I do eventually need to learn to live in the real world.

I haven't cooked that many new things. I went back to my second recipe post and have made some of the things from it that I hadn't gotten to when I cut it short over the summer, and revisited a few favorites:

Chez Panisse Braised Red Cabbage (loved this. It will become a staple, W30 or not)
Romesco Garlic Shrimp (a favorite from the summer)
Barbacoa (ditto)

And a few new things:

Orange Chicken (really good, really easy. I soaked a date for a while and then blended it in the sauce)
Persian Spiced Winter Vegetable Soup (made a few times)
Kebabs from Well-Fed 2 (can't find online)
Scotch Eggs (I don't like the spices in this, so I made them with other sausage for me, and by the recipe for my husband, who loved them).

I've been eating a lot of squash. A favorite is mashed butternut and kabocha (equal parts of each). Good breakfast with a couple hard boiled eggs.

I'm also really into pomegranate.

At this point I think I have such a library of go-to recipes that I have a lot to pull from and it's been pretty easy. I've also had a fairly regular and balanced work schedule these past few weeks.