so not zen

The yoga thing fell apart after about 8 days. I just didn't care enough to make it work.And my whole month has just been sloppy and shapeless in the food and fitness front. Work is great. And I'm back to juggling a lot of things at once - busy with a new client, end of quarter so school is nuts, blah blah blah.

And I'm realizing a few things about myself. When I'm on, I'm on. There's no one more on than me. And I feel great. And I love the control. I just seem to find such an extreme place to live that it's not realistic for life. And when I fall off I fall off hard. I need to learn to live in the inbetween spaces. But that's really not me. In anything.

I did a good job reintroducing food, and learned that gluten gives me a headache. Sugar makes me cough and gives me asthma. Dairy and cider blow out my stomach. But then I get used to all of it and I just feel generally crappy all the time.

I'm finding excuses to just roll down a hill. While at the very same time counting the days until I can start another W30 - which I think needs to be longer than 30, since I don't seem to learn with 30. I have a few events coming up where fun is more important than feeling good. Then I'm on March 16.

I'm putting the band back on tomorrow. I can't wait until the sidewalks are clear and it's above 20 degrees and I can run outside. I'm going to stop eating things that I know I shouldn't be eating. I'm going to cook more. I'll stop doing the things that I said I wasn't going to start doing after the 30 days - eating after dinner and pouring nuts and dried fruit down my gullet. I'll reign in the insanity for the next 3 weeks, then get back on the wagon.

And now for a new game to play in February

Now that I've wrapped up my Whole30, I need a new challenge. I'm still figuring out what to eat. I haven't ventured beyond my ill-fated English muffin incident, some dark chocolate and red wine. I have a big zit on my chin. My stomach hasn't been great. I might have a beer tonight. I have a container of yogurt in the fridge that I want to try to see what dairy does to me, but I'm afraid. So February will be about continuing to get a real understanding of what foods make me feel good, and which don't.

My challenge will be totally different from my band-driven previous 8 months, where I was focused on (ok, obsessed with) getting to my target each day. This resulted in hours (weeks probably) on the elliptical and treadmill, pacing around the house, and not doing enough strength training and stretching because I needed to spend my workout time getting closer to my daily goal dammit.

My new goal is to do at least 20 minutes of yoga every day in February. I've been going to class at the gym twice a week. I will try to fit in more classes, and if I can't make that work with my schedule, I will do at least 20 minutes at home. Every day. I will continue to do cardio and weights, but perhaps not as obsessively as I have been.